I hate my life right now

But mark my words....when it's all said and done and Im out of this rat trap of a town..IT'LL TURN AROUND 180 DEGREES!

My boyfriend sucks! He is the most selfish person ever but he was abotaged very early in life. It is very true that where and who your born into effects you for the rest of your life. At one time I wanted to marry this asshole. I dont know what I was thinking! But I deserve much better than him. There are 29 days til my life really begins. I hope I can have enough money and shit to get out of here without a scratch, move everything out of here and out of my life forever. It iwll be a pleasure to be able to say I will never see these rednecks again!

kill me NOW

Dude I fucking hate my boyfriends mother. What a psychotic bitch. She is like the motivation for me to be a good mother when I have kids because a bad mother can really fuck up kids for generations and generations. For a woman who doesnt do a damn thing with her life, she sure is a heinous vampire bitch from HELL. When I wake up I wake to the smell of her cigarette smoke and coughing in the other room. Then, welcome or not, she comes in and starts talking or rambling (if you will) about varous bullshit nobody cares about. Then I get up and she is upstairs complaining about something (EVERYTHING). I hope she finds some dick online and runs away with them or something.

yeah.....that sucks

At first this whole move out and get on my feet thing was gonig to work but now, I dont know. I am staying in Freehold (capital of nothing) with my "friend" John. But Im thinking of alternatives to staying here. But honestly I dont really have noplace else to go if I leave here. All my shit is at home in Franklin Park and I dont even have house keys. The only keys I have are Tamika's. So what am I going to do. I have been applying to places around here but I only got one call back. Looking for a job is hard because it takes a lot of work and you never know which applications are a total waste of your time to fill out. Also I dont know how long I will be here with John. Hopefully not much longer. Would it be better to leave and go to JC and live with Tamika and look for a job that way? NO because I dont have a computer and she doesnt have any room. But she does live near NYC and would be willing to put me up for now I guess. Maybe if I schedule a week or so of interviews I can do it like that. Right now Im very scared though. Once Im out there I am all alone. At least when you have a man or something you dont have to worry about being fucking HOMELESS!

Been a While.....

Lately thigs are going slow! I am searching for a social service job with little to no social serice experience needed and its hard as hell! But I will work hard to find the job that suits me.

COACD

COACD

Breathless

"Breathless"

Seems like everyone else has a love just for them,
I dont mind, we have such a good time,
My best friend, but sometimes, well,
I wish we could be more than friends,
Tell me do you know?
Tell me do you know?
Oh..

I get so breathless, when you call me name,
I've often wonderd, do you feel the same?
There's a chemistry, energy, synchronicity
When we're all alone,
So don't tell me
You can't see
What im thinking of.

I can understand that you don't want to cross the line,
And you know i can't primise you things,
Will turn out fine,
But i have to be honest, I want you to be mine
Tell me do you know?
Tell me do you know?
Oh...

I get so breathless, when you call me name,
I've often wondered, do you feel the same?
There's a chemistry, energy, synchronicity
When we're all alone,
So don't tell me
You can't see
Oh!

Cause ive tried to do this right in your own time
I've been telling with my eyes, my heart's on fire,
Why dont you realise?
Tell me do you know?
Tell me do you know?
I get so breathless...

Breathless

I have to start thinking about my future more seriously. How much more serious does it get? I almost feel like everything is out of my control. Today I decided to start meditating. just to channel my energy more inward.

Im really scared of being alone but my goal is to take that fear and get through it and over come it.

How soon things change.......

It seems like I never have a chance to explain myself before people go flying off the handle about shit they dont even understand. Im standing there left behind feeling....wanting....trying.....and others have their face to the wind no turning back. I wish I had the ability to not care anymore. Just to act like people dont matter or exist. Building friendship isnt easy. This week sucked on so many levels. I cant even begin to tell you why. I wont begin to tell you why.